Defensiveness: The Silent Saboteur of Family Relationships

How defensiveness stops families from having meaningful relationships, and the strategies you need to move forward.

Defensiveness draws out the fight in us.

Ideally, our families are a sanctuary where our most intimate relationships thrive, and where we feel safe to have meaningful conversations that unfold in the security and warmth of safety and unconditional love.

Engaging in deep and meaningful conversations in families is important to resolve conflicts, bridge gaps in understanding and share wisdom learned and earned in relevant contexts of shared family histories and lived experiences. Yet, meaningful communication in families is often sabotaged by the silent (and often not so silent) wall of defensiveness.

Defensiveness is both a shield and a sword.

Its main aim is to protect us from perceived threats. It often shows up at the worst times - when we have the most to gain from a real conversation. The shield appears in the form of self-protecting counter-accusations, denial or emotional shut down. The sword severs the possibility of genuine connection and understanding, leaving important issues unresolved and relationships strained.

We’ve all been in the situation where this unwelcome saboteur creates an impasse of resistance that feels impossible to overcome. I’ve recently had several experiences working with families that has led me to a better understanding of how and why defensiveness shows up.  Here is an altered scenario to illustrate how defensiveness emerges in the families I work with.

Bill and John are brothers who work with their parents in real estate.

The family has a portfolio of rental properties that they manage. Periodically, when a property meets their criteria for income they make purchases through their corporations together. Recently, a great opportunity came up to purchase a property that the family identified as a great addition to their portfolio. Instead of waiting for the family to decide, John bought the property for himself. Bill saw this as a breach of trust but avoided addressing it with his brother because he knew that John would not welcome this conversation. This situation surfaced as an example as I was taking the family through a discussion about the importance of following fair process in their decision-making.

The topic was brought up as gently as possible, but John was overcome with anxiety and his shield was instantly raised. He began defending himself by saying that he works harder than the rest of the family, and then his sword came out attacking everyone else with accusations of how, as the younger brother, he worked twice as hard because he had to prove himself as the “second” son. John was using his defensive shield and sword to justify his actions – he knew he should have waited to discuss the opportunity with the family as was customary, but he didn’t want to admit that.

John’s parents and Bill were bewildered, not so much by John’s purchase but, more importantly, about why he held the perception that he had to prove himself in a family that was trying to work together and prosper together. The result: what could have been a meaningful conversation about following fair process to strengthen trust and collaboration in the family ended at the wall of John’s defensive behaviour that made it difficult to reason with him in that moment.

Families often experience two forms of defensiveness at play.

The first aspect is that force creates defence. When we are using force through accusations, or when we make assumptions about one another’s intentions or actions, we are often met with the equal counter-force of defence. The second form of defensiveness is less understood and therefore more insidious and difficult to navigate. This is that “force” can come from within the individual – our own inner-critic and perception of ourselves is often the real source of our defence. In the example above, no one attacked John in this meeting, he attacked himself internally and it came out in his defensive reaction.  

As much as we want to have conversations that move relationships forward, what often gets in the way is our lack of awareness of how our perception of ourselves interferes in our relationships. Nowhere is that more visible than in sibling relationships. 

Siblings often feel a need to compete, even when great efforts are made to create a team environment. This stems from our inner tendency to compare ourselves to those around us, and I often see this element show up and exasperated when siblings get stuck in the perception of themselves in their birth-order ranking. The trouble comes when siblings, with all their opposite qualities, feel the need to compete with someone who will always be older than them.

On the surface this seems like a relationship issue, and it often requires awareness at the relationship level, but coupled with that, defensive reactions often require unfolding at the personal level first to understand why we are compelled to look to someone else to create our own sense of self-worth.  In this situation, John’s action of buying the property before discussing it with his family was both fuelled by his perception that he was less than his brother and buying the property also compromised his integrity, which did further damage to his trust in himself and triggered even more defensive behavior as his view of himself became weaker.

As a family relationship coach, I work with the whole family system and while some things need to be addressed at the family level, when defensiveness shows up like it did for John, it’s futile to try to solve it in the arena of the family. While defensiveness happens at a system level, it springs from our deeply personal first system – the inner voices of our self-identity, where individual fear, self-judgement, and our insecurities live. An important system rule is that a problem cannot be solved on a different level than it is created in. Defensiveness, in the form of the protective shield, often stems from within - and that’s where it needs to be addressed.

Defending our stance can be a normal reaction, however when we are constantly defensive, we must look honestly within and seek to strengthen our sense of self for the good of our relationships so as not to let defensiveness prevent us from having the important and meaningful conversations that help us grow and learn with the people around us. 

How to Overcome Defensiveness and Foster Meaningful Conversations in Families?

Create a Safe Space: Establish a family culture where expressing thoughts and feelings is safe and encouraged.

Practice Self-Awareness: Be mindful of your own inner dialogue and the root of your own defensiveness and encourage family members to be aware of their own defensive triggers.

Set Ground Rules for Communication: Agree on communication rules, such as no interrupting, using respectful language, and taking breaks if emotions run high.

Model Vulnerability: Vulnerability is contagious. When one person demonstrates vulnerability, it can encourage others to do the same. Share your feelings openly and take responsibility for your actions.

Focus on Solutions, Not Blame:  We cannot find solutions together if we need to hold onto blame. This is true in all relationships and helps shift the focus from past grievances to future improvements.

Seek External Support: An experienced facilitator can help families have difficult conversations in new ways. They can provide tools and strategies to navigate defensiveness and move toward healthy communication.